Can You Set Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty?

Written by Coach Kim

Edited by Marla Reese Martin

For as long as I can remember, I have always been that person that others could count on. I would drop everything to help others, even if it meant putting my own interests aside. I would do whatever it took to be appreciated and loved. With time, it became a part of who I was, and saying no was out of my vocabulary. One day, my sister told me, “You don’t have to be loved by everyone, you know.” Little did she know, her words would be the beginning of my journey of self-discovery. It took me many years of working on myself to understand that saying no or cutting toxic people out of my life was not being selfish, but rather a self-preservation need. Slowly I started to set boundaries of what I would accept in my life and what I would not accept. I started to demand the same respect from others that I have been giving and created healthy boundaries. Boundaries are limits you set for yourself that determine what you will or won’t participate in. This includes situation, people, and behaviours.

There are so many advantages to setting boundaries. First, it helps maintain a good mental and emotional health. It also helps you identify what makes you happy and helps you grow. By creating healthy boundaries, you attract and influence positive behaviours and surround yourself with people that share similar values. How easy is it for you to set healthy boundaries? Here are a few methods I use to develop healthy boundaries:

Get to know yourself. In order to set boundaries, you need to know what you want in your life. I like to use my personal values as a reference for what I want in life. As an example, I value honesty and loyalty, therefore I surround myself with people that portray these traits. Learning to know yourself includes asking yourself questions just as you would if you were talking with someone who you would like to know. Take your journal and answer the following questions with as many details as possible.

What do you need to be happy?

What do you want out of life?

What makes you feel valued?

How do you treat people around you?

Set your limits. Have you ever walked out of a toxic relationship and wondered why you stayed that long? Or stay at a job that made you unhappy? The reason why we stay or why we keep toxic people around is often because once we are in the situation, we can’t see how bad it is until it is too late. This is why thinking about your own limits and what you are willing to accept in your life can save you a lot of pain and time. Write powerful statements to help you set your own limits.

Example:

I will surround myself with people that treat me the way I treat them.

I will always prioritize my own happiness before someone else’s.

I will only engage in behaviors and decisions that I am comfortable with.

As you navigate through life feel free to add to your list. When you are in doubt or in an uncomfortable situation, I encourage you to reread your list. If you have to find excuses to explain your decisions or why you accept other behaviours, you are not respecting your limits.

Be assertive. There is nothing more empowering than having the courage to speak up and use your voice to share your opinion. Have the courage to tell someone that this is what I need in this relationship. Too often we want to be loved and accepted so badly that we put our own needs aside to please others. Speaking your mind is not being difficult. It is understanding your value and standing up for what you deserve. Like most people, you are probably underestimating your value. So, believe in yourself, and be proud of who you are.

Learn to say No. Communication plays an important role in your relationships with others. The tone, the speed, and the self-assurance in your voice are just as important as the words you say. Learn to say ‘No’ and to explain why in terms that your audience will understand. There are many communication courses you can take that will help you if expressing yourself is hard for you. It will not only benefit you in your relationships with others, but also in your career.

Let go of guilt. We too often feel guilty for standing up for ourselves. When you make a decision based on your need, I encourage you to make a list of all the reasons why you made this decision. Once you have voiced your need, it may not please others, and truthfully rereading the list of the reasons may be what keeps you from changing your mind and making a decision that could hurt you later. Believe in yourself, and do not let other’s opinion make you feel guilty. Whatever others decide or believe is on them, not you. Guilt is a poison that will slowly destroy you.

I often get asked about the importance of healthy boundaries in relationship. Healthy boundaries are an integral part of a healthy relationship. When both partners can express their needs and feel respected, they can truly bring out the best in each other. Part of healthy boundaries is allowing your partner to be themselves and grow while you support them. In return, your partner should do the same. If you need help or have questions in relation to this topic, feel free to contact me.

Coach Kim