Cohabiting with love and respect

Written by Coach Kim and Isabelle Bertrand

Edited by Marla Reese Martin

In June 2020, my friend asked me if they could move into my basement until their new house was ready. I had a roommate for eight months before, so to me this didn’t seem like a huge deal. You see, Isabelle and I have only known each other for six years, but we’ve gone through a lot together. We met on a military posting outside Canada. Our husbands were working varied shifts, and we rapidly became friends and supported each other. When I separated from my spouse, Isabelle helped me and became a confident and positive role model to my oldest daughter. She offered my kids their first babysitting job, helping them gain confidence and a sense of purpose. I figured that we have been through so much that four months of living together would be a nice adventure, and it has been quiet the adventure. Mid July Isabelle, her husband, their two boys and the dog moved in with us. We were now 3 adults, 4 kids, 2 dogs and a cat living in my 1800 square-foot house. This month’s article is special to me. I asked Isabelle to co-write it with me so we can share our experience and the lessons we have learned from these past 4 months.

Why did you do it? As we navigated this new situation, I often reminded myself why I did it. In my case I did it out of love. Knowing that I could never help them financially, opening my house to them was my way of showing them that they meant a lot to me an d thanking them for everything they have done for us. Isabelle and I both believe that our words and actions should come from the heart: that is what I reminded myself when I found the situation overwhelming.

Isabelle: For my part, nonetheless, I love Kim and her daughters, and I was really grateful for her to letting us live in her house for a couple of months. What helped me navigate this new situation was the reminder that it was a temporary situation. Also, the value of our friendship. When in difficult situations, I kept asking myself what is most important to me? Getting my own way, or do I value our friendship more? ...our friendship 100%.

Have realistic expectations. It is important to understand the commitment and to be prepared as it won’t always be a smooth journey. A normal household with one family can get chaotic at times. It won’t be different with two families. It won’t be an easy, but if you have realistic expectations from the start, then you will be better prepared to handle the chaos.

Isabelle: I don’t think I had any expectations. I try to live life in the moment, so that’s what I did. I did not expect anything, and simply reacted to what happened in the moment. Was it good or bad? Maybe if I could do it differently, I would have met with both families before the move and talk about our expectations, so the transition would have gone smoothly, especially with children that have special needs.

Have clear rules and honest discussions. It is very important to establish clear household rules, and don’t be afraid to have these hard discussions from the start. What are the rules everyone should follow? How does each family handle discipline? Are we going to support each other when conflicts arise? These questions may seem insignificant right now, but when you are in a conflictual situation, having previously clarified these points will help you manage the situation and support each other.

Isabelle: In my opinion, the key to a successful cohabitation is fairness when it comes to house rules. Fairness means the rules have to apply to everybody. Your own kids don’t have any privileges over your friend’s children or vice versa. Also, it is worth the time to have these difficult conversations to clarify the situation and share our emotions.

Be open and learn. You don’t have the answers to everything! You have to enter this adventure with an open mind. Other people’s vision and perspectives on life can help you grow as a person and a parent. I have seen a different parental technique, relationship task sharing, and communication method. I may not apply it all to my life moving forward, but I retained valuable information that I have and will apply to my life. Isabelle and her husband are really good at sharing household chores. They acted as a team and seeing them work together was inspiring. This was something I hadn’t experienced in my past relationships, so it opened my eyes on how a relationship could be a 50/50 effort on every level. Before they moved in, I was always on the go. I couldn’t stay home and relax. Now, having my house back, I am more inclined to stay in and enjoy my home. This experience has also prepared me if I ever decide to move in with someone with children of their own.

Isabelle: I have expanded parental skills from observing Kim. Kim knows how to set her boundaries, both with her daughters and her puppy. It’s something I will definitively try to incorporate in my life. I have also learned from Kim’s feedback. Sometimes, as a parent, you doubt yourself and think that you did not do the right thing. When you have a friend who is there to observe your situation almost 100% of the time, she is in a good position to give you accurate feedback…

Don’t pressure others to adapt faster than they are ready. Not everyone will adapt to the new living situation the same way. I found it particularly hard for my eldest daughter. At first, I tried to push her to see the benefits of this experience, but I then realized that she needed to do it at her own pace. You see, her expectations of our new situation were just not realized. She anticipated the situation with fears and stress. Once I started to listen to her fears and offer reassurance, her anxiety decreased and she began to give it a try. She would be the first one now to tell you that she misses our “enlarged family” craziness.

Isabelle: Respect each other and give them their space. When Kim’s oldest daughter was having a hard, time, I tried explaining to my boys how she needed space to help her cope with our new situation. My oldest son, who is autistic, reacted differently to our cohabitating experience. He tried to get attention by saying mean things to others. It was not an easy time for him.

Don’t jeopardize your friendship. There are moments where biting your tongue is the best thing to do. When you want to say something negative, think about the impact. Where is this coming from? What impact will it have on your relationship? Acting with love and respect at all times will pay off. Sometimes we are tired, and our answers may not come out as smoothly and gently as we would like. Don’t take it personally, and make sure you admit when you are out of line and apologize.

Isabelle: I totally agree with what Kim says. What is more valuable: getting your point across or maintaining the friendship? Also, how you say things is important. You can always find a way to say something in non-accusatory manner.

A united team will conquer it all. Too often it is easy to get defensive. In this kind of situation, united front is your best ally. As parents, Isabelle and I always supported each other’s decisions in front of the kids. We reinforce each other’s values and rules.

Isabelle: I have to be honest. At the beginning of our adventure, I was of the mindset of taking my own kids’ side and blaming it on Kim’s daughters. I had to conscientiously change my way of thinking. I told myself that if I keep thinking this way, there will be no happy ending. So I decided to support Kim. I have to say that Kim and I have similar values, so it was not hard to support her.

Cohabitating must have an expiry date. Before embarking this journey, make sure you have a defined end date. This is very important, because when things get rough you can see the end. The end is also a celebration. I found it was harder the last few weeks, not only because I needed to regain my space but also because of the mixed emotions in their leaving. Isabelle and I always said that we were going through a transition phase, and after this we would both get to where we aim to be: them in their new house, me… well I will tell you when I get there. 😊

Isabelle: I concur with Kim. Like I said at the beginning of this article: knowing that this situation had an end helped me going through the hard times. I will miss our conversations. I used to say to the kids that I am lucky to have a sleepover at my friend’s place every day for four months. To have a close friend to talk whenever something is going on in your life is such a gift…This adventure made our friendship even stronger. Kim and I are very easygoing. For us, it was an easy adaptation.

Freeze! You have to understand that for a while you will put your life on hold: having visitors, new relationships, etc. All these things that seemed easy to manage before will become even more challenging with a full house. Once your life gets back to normal, you will appreciate these events more.

I had a lot of people telling me, “I couldn’t have done it,”. To be honest, I wasn’t certain I could either. Now that I reflect on the experience, I am so glad I did. It helped me and the kids create amazing memories and time spent with the Maheus will always be dear to our hearts.

MANY THANKS TO YOU, MY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND!!!! We will remember this experience for the rest of our lives…YOU ARE FAMILY TO US, AND WE LOVE YOU FOREVER…